Goodbye Taiyed Brodels.

$ayzak · Post by **$ayzak** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 5:55 am

I'm going to leave you with a summary of my life story. It's only appropriate since I can't outrun my reputation as one who talks too much about his life. Maybe now you'll understand why.

I was born 6 weeks premature, and def, to an alcoholic/drug addict mother who wasn't sure (out of 3 or 4 men) who my father was. The man I learned to call "papa" didn't sign my birth cirtificate, nor did he ask for a blood test. He had no legal rights as my father. He was neverm arried to my mother.

Before my first birthday my mother moved to Texas with one of her ex boyfriends, who soon after attempted to kill her with an ax. The ax hit my crib and I came tumbling out onto the ground. My mother actually managed to call the cops, get me out safe, and get her ex to pass out (from drinking) so she could escape.

After moving back to MN papa became a much bigger part of my life. He was battling a lot of pain from various injuries/surguries and other problems which originated from his birth. Because of those problems he was addicted to morphine. He drank daily, smoked weed, and took enough valuum to tranquilize a horse. He was also a paranoid schizophrenic.

Despite that, he was the more responsible parent.

My mother married another alcoholic, a verteran of the Vietnam War, and together they had my little sister.

We lived in a hard neighborhood in the cities. When I was 5 our house got broken into and my mother was raped while they held a knife to my throat threatening to kill me if she made a sound. They took off with everything of value in our house. Luckily we all lived.

A few years later we moved to a safer naighborhood. My parents were still alcoholics. Papa was frustrated and angry at the way my mother was raising me, so he stepped in and threatened to have child services take me away. To spite him, my mother and step dad towered over me, informing me at the top of their lungs that my papa wasn't even my real father. I was only 7 years old, so naturally I was hysterical, crying, and I didn't understand what was happening.

Over the years they always complained to us, their kids, about their problems in life such as work, their friends, but especially about their relationship with eachother.

Papa managed to convinced them to get into treatment and get their act together to save their house, marriage, and to keep their children. It worked for a few years, but a relapse was inevitable. And they still leaned on us for emotional support way too much.

When I was 11 they started drinking again. This time I was angry. I saw my sister, who then was only 7, going through what I had gone through a few years earlier. So I stepped up and tried to protect her. I was strong so she didn't have to be.

My dad once again stepped up and forced them to clean up their act. He took care of us, watched their house while they were in treatment. Cut the grass. Paid their bills. Saved their marriage again. And for awhile, he made my sister and I feel like kids for once.

Over the next 10 years I drag my feet through a semi-normal adolesence. But I failed 7th grade. I manage a shitty 0.7 GPA in highschool. And I only have a couple of friends, most of which betray me, jump me in my own yard, or steal from me.

I passed my GED test. Got into college. Got a degree in visual communications. And I tried living a normal life. But I was withdrawn, and depressed pretty much non stop since I was 11.

Papa's health problems got worse. He didn't act the same because he was on a higher dosage of pain killers, and his schizophrenia had gotten worse. Meanwhile my mom and step dad substituted their alcohol problem with a narcotics problem. And they found a way to use my father to get it. In exchange for "visitation", he was to provide them with morphine. This dysfunctional sharade lasted a few years, and eventually lead to my father's suicide.

I never had a therapist. I never had medication.

I don't feel sorry for myself. I don't know how to care more about myself than I do others. I've been programmed to worry. I've been programmed to think constantly about how the people in my life feel. I've been programmed to accept failure. I am addicted to being unhappy.

I decided that I won't live another day with that mentality.

Thanks to those who cared... see ya.

greenmonkey911 · Post by **greenmonkey911** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 6:26 am

man that's deep.. respeck
come back and visit anytime bro

Drums · Post by **Drums** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 9:30 am

Damn...

Hey man, have a good LIFE, keep it flowin...

Peace

MariaA · Post by **MariaA** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 9:59 am

I wish you all the best in anything you do, and good for you for working to overcome everything and anything, it shows what a strong person you truley are, If you ever need to talk or vent Im always willing to listen. Be safe!
-Maria

dj3stripes · Post by **dj3stripes** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 10:04 am

give it a week, maybe two, he'll be reposting in notime. no offense intended at all, but every goodbye is shortlived around here.

Chris · Post by **Chris** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 10:30 am

PEACE

tred311 · Post by **tred311** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 10:38 am

dj3stripes wrote:give it a week, maybe two, he'll be reposting in notime. no offense intended at all, but every goodbye is shortlived around here.

hehehe.....yes sir!

CatCity · Post by **CatCity** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 11:36 am

dj3stripes wrote:give it a week, maybe two, he'll be reposting in notime. no offense intended at all, but every goodbye is shortlived around here.

$lmjimy311 · Post by **$lmjimy311** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 12:53 pm

good luck my man, hope to see you back soon

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 12:54 pm

i didn't read that, but gl hf

CollapsingVisionary · Fri Mar 31, 2006 12:54 pm

peace dude, sucks youre leaving right when the hologram convo got interesting, but...

wbrycew · Post by **wbrycew** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 12:58 pm

Stepping away from a (usually) positive 311 community can't be a step in the right direction. What benefits will you receive in not posting anymore? I don't get it.

pnutwannabe · Post by **pnutwannabe** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 12:58 pm

Much love sayzak.....hope all goes well and good luck

Alexnova · Post by **Alexnova** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 3:11 pm

Sayzak, I read your whole post of your life summary, and I must say I cannot be more thankful than what I have gotten when I was growing up. I took it for granted, but now I have much more respect to those who cared for me, etc. And your summary also inspired me to make really good desicions when I'm a parent, because I know what I would do would effect my children for as long as they live.

I just don't understand how your mother could put up with the fact of how much she has devasted her own son. It would be hard to live life knowing htat.

But wherever you go Sayzak, I hope its for the best and alot better than the situation you are living in. Just keep on living, it would be horrible to lose such a great member and a great mind.

MariaA · Post by **MariaA** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 3:42 pm

So he's gone just like that, where did he go?!? Am I the only one who thinks this is not good...we need to stop being so rude and start respecting what others are talking about, they are saying it for a reason, if someone shares info or problems about their life who are we to talk shit, you shouldnt say anything at all...i dont know im just really emotional today lol but I just hope he's OK.

311Baybee · Post by **311Baybee** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 3:56 pm

matt, as much as everyone ripped on you for yous posts about your personal life, just know that you always have a support system here. you've got my myspace link if you ever need to talk, and i hope that this thread isnt goodbye for good.

hydropoNICK · Post by **hydropoNICK** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 4:10 pm

it concerns me that you are spilling all this to us, and telling us how you are so unhappy. i think you should go get some therapy. i dont know if you think its a bad thing, but honestly its not. this is some heavy shit you've had to deal with. if your looking for help on a internet message board more than likely its not going to happen.

-just my two cents

juanbond7 · Post by **juanbond7** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 4:17 pm

MariaA wrote:So he's gone just like that, where did he go?!? Am I the only one who thinks this is not good...we need to stop being so rude and start respecting what others are talking about, they are saying it for a reason, if someone shares info or problems about their life who are we to talk shit, you shouldnt say anything at all...i dont know im just really emotional today lol but I just hope he's OK.

I agree with this younglady....there might be something really bad happening here, but who knows.

Oh yeah....why is he leaving now? I never got it....is he moving away or what?

Jordan311 · Post by **Jordan311** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 4:25 pm

That's sad stuff and all... But what is doing something as insignifigant as leaving an internet forum going to change, as you would say, "in the grand scheme of things?"
For the most part, people on here support you. I don't think leaving TB is going to help you much.

Instead, how about you tell us what other larger steps you're going to be taking in life? Just saying "I won't live another day with that mentality" is cool and all, but what are you going to be doing to actually make that happen?
I'm sure we'd all like to see you post some stories of some good things that happen in your life on here, rather than the typical sad girl/life stories that we've somewhat gotten tired of...
So I'm all for you changing your life for the better and getting a new positive outlook on things, but I'd like to see how it goes, so keep us updated, alrite?

Later

$lmjimy311 · Post by **$lmjimy311** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 4:25 pm

he cant afford therapy, or atleast i assume he cant since he cant afford health insurance, matt, as stupid as this sounds, a story as hard as yours, have you tried sending your story out to places? such as a letter to oprah, or a talkshow host, to a news channel..somewhere, someone can help, trust me im not the onyl one here that wants you to get some

goodluck once again